Sexual incompatibility

Sep 1

2 min read

You can love a man and want different sex than he does. Two dedicated tops. A high libido next to a low one. Kink next to none. Anal as the centre of his life and a side preference in yours. That is incompatibility, not a moral failure. Some of it is workable with honesty. Some of it is a kind ending. Pretending will make you mean.

Roles are not the whole problem, until they are

Top, bottom, versatile are shorthand. People stretch. People also do not. If every sexual encounter is a negotiation you both resent, you do not have a cute difference. You have a deadlock.

Do not bully him into a role to save the relationship. That is not love. That is a casting decision.

Libido, health, and the long haul

Desire changes with age, meds, hormones, depression, alcohol, and testosterone you may or may not be taking. Get medical facts before you decide he does not fancy you. HIV treatment, antidepressants, and pain all belong in the conversation with a clinician, not only with each other.

Body image and mental health wreck sex quietly. So does contempt.

Kink and the no

A leather or fetish life can be central for one of you and optional for the other. See What is a leather or fetish community. You can accompany, you can decline, you cannot mock. If the kink is the relationship for him and a deal-breaker for you, believe that.

Open relationships are sometimes used as a patch. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it hides a dead bedroom. Open relationships that actually work requires a deal you both wanted.

Workable versus kind to end

Workable: specific requests, scheduled sex without shame, medical help, a time-limited experiment, maybe opening with rules. Kind to end: one of you is waiting for the other to become a different man. You still have to live in the same scene after. Breaking up in a small scene.

Unite Gay Network will not referee your bedroom. Join if you need peers who have already had the unsexy conversation and stayed decent.

Disclaimer*

This article was originally published in English. While we have translated it to make the content more accessible to our international members, slight variations may exist between the translated and original versions. For the most accurate and authoritative wording, please refer to the English edition. We appreciate your understanding as we continue to improve our multilingual support.