Open relationships that actually work

Sep 1

2 min read

Plenty of gay and bisexual men are not strictly monogamous. Some of those arrangements are honest and kind. Some are a secret with extra steps. 'Open' is not a personality. It is a set of agreements you keep updating. If you cannot say the rules out loud, you do not have an open relationship. You have a leak.

Name the actual deal

Sex only, full other relationships, only when travelling, only together, no sleepovers, no repeats, no friends. People try all of these. Pick one you can live with, not one that sounds evolved. Write it down if you are the sort of men who fight about tone. Revisit it after the first time it hurts, not after the tenth.

Don't copy a couple on Instagram. Copy a conversation you can have on a Tuesday.

Jealousy is information

Jealousy does not mean you are bad at being modern. It means something is scarce: time, status, safety, or the story you were told about what this would feel like. Talk about the scarce thing. Do not punish a third person for a conversation you will not have at home.

If one of you agreed to open because he was afraid you would leave, that is not consent. That is a hostage note. Close it, slow it, or get help.

Health is part of the agreement

Who tests, how often, PrEP, condoms with new people, what you disclose to extra partners. This is logistics. How often to get STI tested and When one of you is living with HIV belong in the deal, not in a fight after a scare.

Extra partners are people. They get honesty too. Using someone as a tool to 'spice things up' without telling them the shape of your household is not open. It is bait.

When it is not working

Constant surveillance, revenge sex, or a closed deal that only one of you kept. Those are endings, or counselling, not a new app. Sexual incompatibility is a related problem if the open arrangement is covering a dead bedroom you will not name.

Unite Gay Network will not sell you a lifestyle. Join if you want other men who have already had this argument and stayed kind.

Disclaimer*

This article was originally published in English. While we have translated it to make the content more accessible to our international members, slight variations may exist between the translated and original versions. For the most accurate and authoritative wording, please refer to the English edition. We appreciate your understanding as we continue to improve our multilingual support.