Domestic abuse in relationships between men

Sep 1

2 min read

Men abuse men. It can be hits, rape, stalking, money, isolation, outing threats, or 'jokes' about your status, your visa, or your kids. Because both people are male, police, friends, and even gay scenes often miss it, or laugh it off as a catfight. It is not a catfight. If you are being controlled or hurt, you deserve the same seriousness as anyone else.

What it can look like

A partner who reads your phone, decides who you may see, sabotages PrEP or HIV meds, threatens to out you at work, slaps you and calls it play without a safeword, or rapes you after you said no. Size is irrelevant. The smaller man can be the abuser. So can the one who pays the rent.

Kink with consent, including rough sex, is not abuse. Abuse dressed up as kink is. The difference is whether you can stop it and whether you are afraid in the rest of your life.

Why gay and bisexual men get stuck

Shame ('I should be able to fight him off'), a small scene ('we have the same friends'), immigration, a closet, or the fear that nobody will believe a man can be a victim. Bisexual men get extra disbelief. HIV-positive men get medical sabotage. None of that is your fault.

Breaking up in a small scene is hard even when the relationship was merely over. Leaving abuse is harder. You still can.

Where to get support

If you are in danger now, use local emergency services if they are safe to use, or a domestic-violence service that already works with LGBT people. In many countries there are hotlines that will not assume the perpetrator is a husband of a woman. A sexual health clinic can be a quiet door into help, including PEP if you need it.

Tell one person outside the relationship. Document injuries and threats if you can do it without escalating risk. You do not have to be sure of the legal label to ask for a safety plan.

You are allowed to leave and still be gay

Leaving does not make you weak. Staying to 'work on it' with a man who hits you is not Pride. Read If you are in crisis, how to get help if you are at the edge. Unite Gay Network Support cannot run a shelter; it can keep your account usable while you change devices. When you want community that believes this happens, join. You are not the first. You do not have to be the quiet one.

Disclaimer*

This article was originally published in English. While we have translated it to make the content more accessible to our international members, slight variations may exist between the translated and original versions. For the most accurate and authoritative wording, please refer to the English edition. We appreciate your understanding as we continue to improve our multilingual support.